Lost

I've been thinking lately. Yes, that happens from time to time.

I've been thinking about who I am as a person.

How would I describe myself? What do I believe in? What do I enjoy doing? What am I passionate about? What are my goals? Those kinds of things. The more I ponder it, the more I begin to think I've really lost sight of me. Since getting married, and having 3 kids... I've changed. Some ways are for the better, but in many I don't like how I've deleted parts of my personal hard-drive. Does that even make sense?! I feel indifferent about things. My confidence has plummeted and when I think about my future- I have no real visions. By that I mean, career, school etc. It seems my mind is living day to day.

I used to be able to multi-task. I held 3 jobs after college! I was working 80 hrs a week and doing quite well at managing it! I loved being busy. I look back on some of the things I've done over the years (work-wise) and I'm stunned. Would I be so daring now, if I tried it all over again!? I'm mostly thinking back on working for the Children's Aid Society and the Catholic Children's Aid Society in Hamilton, Ontario. I had so much passion for my work. I really wanted to make a difference and felt it was possible. Passion. I'm lacking that bigtime nowadays.

After working at an intensive treatment centre here in Edmonton, I vowed never to return to youth work again. I was constantly dealing with aggression & abuse (from the kids)! Every shift was sure to include a restraint. Now, when a job is this horrible and ungreatful... and pays crap, having an employer that treats you like dirt and gives no support just makes it all the more worse. I was beginning to loathe the sight of teenagers congregating in malls or on streets. I always thought they were up to no good. This is a horrible way to be. I'm still trying to rid myself of this negativity.

I'm not as patient as I'd like to be. I'm not even as compassionate as I would like to be. I used to be better at those things. More ways that I've changed... and not for the better.


When people ask me what I do... and by this they mean as a contributor to society and for income... I almost always reply "I'm just home with my kids"... Why do I feel the need to say JUST? Three kids under the age of 5 (almost 6) is a fulltime job. I don't profess to be any good at it, but I've sacrificed a lot of myself to do it. People often equate their value with the job they do to make money... by their career. I wish people could get past this, including myself.

I've been home with my kids fulltime for over 3 yrs. I'm feeling out of the loop. I have very little friends, even after being in Edmonton for over 4 yrs. I don't always meet people through common interests... like music and/or hobbies. I get to pick from parents of kids in Fiona's class. This is how I get to meet new people. Then there's meeting people through other people... I have trouble with this. Even though I may really find this person to be really interesting, fun and cool... I don't trust that the person truly wants to be my friend. Are they just being nice? Do they feel obligated? Am I just riding on the coat-tails of other people to get friends!? It's like highschool all over again, sometimes... trying to break into already existing social circles. Am I annoying? Do I talk to much? Do I laugh to loud? Do I have any substance?!

I used to really sociable. I loved being with friends and interacting with friends all the time when I was younger. Now, I find this exhausting and relish alone time. I guess that's par for the course when you're a mum to 3 kids.

I used to bike & rollerblade! I don't do either anymore. I don't even have a bike.

I used to take time to make myself look good. I did my hair, wore some make-up and semi-fashionable clothes. I don't do any of those things anymore. I don't take any pride in my appearance.... not even my hair [and anyone who knows me, knows how I am about hair ;)]

I used to write short stories, and poetry. I used to read poetry. Where did that person go!?!?

I feel lost.

Out of touch.

Disconnected.


Then there's faith.

What do I believe in? This is another area in which I feel indifferent at times. Wishy-washy. Unable to clearly state what I believe or which Faith I believe in. Perhaps it's fear.

I was raised Roman Catholic. I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe in treating others as you would have them do unto you. I belive in the 10 commandments. I don't believe in natural sin. I don't believe in using guilt as a means of getting people to tow the line. I don't believe in having clergy, all men, delegated by men who consider themselves representatives of God. I don't believe that in order to be obsolved of my sins, that I have to confess to a man who allegedly represents God. Corruption is all over the place in the Catholic Church. I have first-hand knowledge and experience with this. I don't support this, either. So, I don't really consider myself a Catholic. I believe that God is compassionate, gracious, understanding, loving, accepting, non-judgemental, all-embracing.

Jason is a Baha'i. We are raising our children in the Baha'i Faith. I attend Feast when possible. I go to devotionals, when possible. I attend celebrations such as Ayyam-i-Ha & Ridvan. [Of course since moving to Edmonton, and now having 3 kids, it's hard to get to celebrations and feasts]. I believe that God wants peace for the world. I believe in unity and equality, as does the Baha'i Faith. I even believe that a man named Baha'u'llah existed and had a very important message to deliver to the world... So why can I not officially accept this Faith as my own, and profess it to the world by signing my card? What am I afraid of? Am I afraid of not being able to celebrate Christmas anymore? Losing all that is familiar to me? Worried that I will be condemned to hell for turning my back on the Catholic Church?! I don't really have the answers.