Lost

I've been thinking lately. Yes, that happens from time to time.

I've been thinking about who I am as a person.

How would I describe myself? What do I believe in? What do I enjoy doing? What am I passionate about? What are my goals? Those kinds of things. The more I ponder it, the more I begin to think I've really lost sight of me. Since getting married, and having 3 kids... I've changed. Some ways are for the better, but in many I don't like how I've deleted parts of my personal hard-drive. Does that even make sense?! I feel indifferent about things. My confidence has plummeted and when I think about my future- I have no real visions. By that I mean, career, school etc. It seems my mind is living day to day.

I used to be able to multi-task. I held 3 jobs after college! I was working 80 hrs a week and doing quite well at managing it! I loved being busy. I look back on some of the things I've done over the years (work-wise) and I'm stunned. Would I be so daring now, if I tried it all over again!? I'm mostly thinking back on working for the Children's Aid Society and the Catholic Children's Aid Society in Hamilton, Ontario. I had so much passion for my work. I really wanted to make a difference and felt it was possible. Passion. I'm lacking that bigtime nowadays.

After working at an intensive treatment centre here in Edmonton, I vowed never to return to youth work again. I was constantly dealing with aggression & abuse (from the kids)! Every shift was sure to include a restraint. Now, when a job is this horrible and ungreatful... and pays crap, having an employer that treats you like dirt and gives no support just makes it all the more worse. I was beginning to loathe the sight of teenagers congregating in malls or on streets. I always thought they were up to no good. This is a horrible way to be. I'm still trying to rid myself of this negativity.

I'm not as patient as I'd like to be. I'm not even as compassionate as I would like to be. I used to be better at those things. More ways that I've changed... and not for the better.


When people ask me what I do... and by this they mean as a contributor to society and for income... I almost always reply "I'm just home with my kids"... Why do I feel the need to say JUST? Three kids under the age of 5 (almost 6) is a fulltime job. I don't profess to be any good at it, but I've sacrificed a lot of myself to do it. People often equate their value with the job they do to make money... by their career. I wish people could get past this, including myself.

I've been home with my kids fulltime for over 3 yrs. I'm feeling out of the loop. I have very little friends, even after being in Edmonton for over 4 yrs. I don't always meet people through common interests... like music and/or hobbies. I get to pick from parents of kids in Fiona's class. This is how I get to meet new people. Then there's meeting people through other people... I have trouble with this. Even though I may really find this person to be really interesting, fun and cool... I don't trust that the person truly wants to be my friend. Are they just being nice? Do they feel obligated? Am I just riding on the coat-tails of other people to get friends!? It's like highschool all over again, sometimes... trying to break into already existing social circles. Am I annoying? Do I talk to much? Do I laugh to loud? Do I have any substance?!

I used to really sociable. I loved being with friends and interacting with friends all the time when I was younger. Now, I find this exhausting and relish alone time. I guess that's par for the course when you're a mum to 3 kids.

I used to bike & rollerblade! I don't do either anymore. I don't even have a bike.

I used to take time to make myself look good. I did my hair, wore some make-up and semi-fashionable clothes. I don't do any of those things anymore. I don't take any pride in my appearance.... not even my hair [and anyone who knows me, knows how I am about hair ;)]

I used to write short stories, and poetry. I used to read poetry. Where did that person go!?!?

I feel lost.

Out of touch.

Disconnected.


Then there's faith.

What do I believe in? This is another area in which I feel indifferent at times. Wishy-washy. Unable to clearly state what I believe or which Faith I believe in. Perhaps it's fear.

I was raised Roman Catholic. I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe in treating others as you would have them do unto you. I belive in the 10 commandments. I don't believe in natural sin. I don't believe in using guilt as a means of getting people to tow the line. I don't believe in having clergy, all men, delegated by men who consider themselves representatives of God. I don't believe that in order to be obsolved of my sins, that I have to confess to a man who allegedly represents God. Corruption is all over the place in the Catholic Church. I have first-hand knowledge and experience with this. I don't support this, either. So, I don't really consider myself a Catholic. I believe that God is compassionate, gracious, understanding, loving, accepting, non-judgemental, all-embracing.

Jason is a Baha'i. We are raising our children in the Baha'i Faith. I attend Feast when possible. I go to devotionals, when possible. I attend celebrations such as Ayyam-i-Ha & Ridvan. [Of course since moving to Edmonton, and now having 3 kids, it's hard to get to celebrations and feasts]. I believe that God wants peace for the world. I believe in unity and equality, as does the Baha'i Faith. I even believe that a man named Baha'u'llah existed and had a very important message to deliver to the world... So why can I not officially accept this Faith as my own, and profess it to the world by signing my card? What am I afraid of? Am I afraid of not being able to celebrate Christmas anymore? Losing all that is familiar to me? Worried that I will be condemned to hell for turning my back on the Catholic Church?! I don't really have the answers.

Promoting Local Talent

Ok, so a couple of months ago... I went to see Martin Kerr perform at the Baha'i Centre here in Edmonton. Martin, as you might remember, made it to the top 16 on this season of Canadian Idol. Along with Martin that evening, a young lad by the name of Joe Nolan performed one of his original songs. I was gobsmacked. This guy is 18 yrs old, and the talent in him is unreal. His voice is very unique... one of those that you could listen to w/o knowing the song and know who's singing! His guitar playing was beautiful and the lyrics and insight in his music was like listening to a Bob Dylan song or Neil Young. Those were the 2 influences that I heard from his stuff immediately.

Joe, Martin and Joe's father all performed that evening. It was wonderful to watch and hear. The talent was just oozing! Fabulous!

I find myself going to his MySpace page often so I can listen to his tracks!! I really like "This World's Half Asleep". I'm hoping to get down to Megatunes (where his CD is for sale) sometime next week, once Fiona's in school and I can take the other 2 for a nice leisurely trip on the LRT and city bus :)

My point? I want to spread the word, and share his music! He's got a cd out, that seems to be only available at an independant music store here in Edmonton, or to be purchased from Joe himself! The album is called "Pocket Dreams".

This is an article about Joe in the Ft Saskatchewan paper. Ft Sask., is only a 15 min drive from our house... closer than driving to Whyte Ave! ;)

Please check him out, and if you like what you hear... spread the word!

Compare

Style Comparison...

















The above items are what I prefer to wear. Comfortable, practical and not season-specific (for fasion)!!


The items below are just stupid.

New haircut

Ok, so I went to get my hair done last night..... I need some opinions, or at least some affirmation! lol The first time I went to get my hair cut by this girl, Carlene, she did a fabulous job! I got compliments ALL the time while I was out! So I went back to her. I should mention, the first time she cut my hair (first appt of the day on a Saturday), she was late. She slept in and came in about 40 min later than my appt time!! The salon was good about it, and gave me a moisture treatment... Plus, c'mon... we all have those days, right?! Well, appt #2.... same thing. First appt on a Saturday. LATE AGAIN! WTF?! She did a rush ass job and I wasn't happy with it... It was heavy behind the ears, the bangs weren't connected properly... Just a bad cut. Sloppy.

So, I make another appt, and don't specify a stylist. I get Carlene again, anyway! I get there, and she doesn't remember me... asks who did my hair last? and before that cut? Ugh. I tell her she did both cuts previous to this one... I can tell she's feeling lousy.
She says "Oh you got a nosering!"... I told her "I've had it for 9+yrs"...
"But you just got a hoop, right?"... I say "no- I wear only a hoop".... *sigh* Not impressed.

This time, I bring a photograph... Victoria Beckham, wearing the precise style I'm after. How much more specific can I get?!













After much "texturizing", razoring, chomping with thinning shears, and hacking... This is the end result....


What do you think? Honestly?




















I feel like Liz from the ORIGINAL Degrassi... Carlene wasn't even alive when that show aired.

Turn, Turn, Turn...

So it seems that fall is starting to set in... already. I love autumn. I love the colours, warm sweaters, cooking casseroles and comfort foods, walking , snuggling to keep warm... All that fun stuff!! I met Jason in the fall, I married him the next fall, had my first baby in the fall... It's a wonderful time of year.

Winter... hm... not so much! I like winter, actually. What I don't like, is how long it seems to last here in Edmonton (or anywhere in Canada, it seems)!

In the great tradition of Canadian things, I'm rambling on about the weather. Let's end it there!

I'm feeling renewed. I'm looking forward to making some positive changes and decisions for our family. The possibility of moving.... a change of pace, scenery... A place where I'm happy to see my kids grow. It's all exciting, yet overwhelming. I get too bogged down with the logistics. The market is slowing. A move to another province is a lot of work. It's a big risk.

I'm an ESFJ according to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), you know.. .this is all classis stuff for us ESFJ's!! lol If you have the chance to take this test, I recommend it! Jason spent all last week, getting certified to administer the testing. It's a pricy test if you don't have an employer paying for it, though! There are 16 personality types according to this test.
Your Type & Learning Styles

An online MBTI test (which I scored the same results, but it may not be very accurate compared to the real one!!)

New book...

Empress
A Novel

This is the book I'm going to start reading! I picked it up at Costco today. Let's see how fast I'm able to get through it! I've still got about 4 books I've started, and have yet to complete. I really should just watch movies instead!! Can't take those into the loo, though!!

Here's the Amazon listing

Empress Wu Zetian Bio

Martyn Joseph "How Did We End Up Here?"

[Filmed 2006]
At about 1:20 he actually starts the song... so, just be patient and have a listen. Fabulous song about the state of the world- wars,killing in the name of God and oil... lovely guitar playing. He opened for Ani Difranco in July and I ended up buying his CD, which I really like. I'm trying to spread the word ;) At the show I saw, he mentioned the lyric "think of all that oil revenue"... he threw in "I wish Zimbabwe had some of that oil, I tell you... " I can't seem to find the lyrics online, so I'll put a few stanzas here:

summit meetings, bottled water
secret briefings, infant slaughter
senate hearings, leather folders
absent weapons, brittle soldiers
how did we end up here?

hail the chief of hearts and minds
...(?) let's draw the blinds,
shaft the poor,
steal by stealth
at least Judas went and hung himself
how did we end up here?

we make the enemy confess
Jesus wearing battle dress
chain them up and make them crawl
bang his head upon the wall
salute the troops
grave concern
body bags, we never learn
why interrogate the soul?
if Dr Strangelove's in control (2 more years! woo hoo)

woe to us
woe to you
think of all the (oil) revenue
how did we end up here?

hunting, fishing, chopping logs
breeding(?) mad saliva dogs
planting questions from the floor
it's easy to defy the law
so, how did we end up here?
rigged elections,
weapons- they get blessed
hell, even satan's quite impressed
palaces, marble halls
every single empire falls
but, how did we end up here?

Chorus

Geocaching IN H20

This means "GO FASTER", Kieran...


Got it... "GO FASTER!"

Jason has been working hard to crack the puzzles of this 5/5 difficulty geocache, planted by KappaAlpha for his 100th HIDE! The actual cache was IN the water. We'll leave the location a secret, as some are still working on the puzzle! Here are some pics of Jason and the kids out on the lake!

Jason and I touring XiTang with friends from Jiaxing!

This video is on a Chinese YouTube like site... I can't read Chinese, so I have no idea how to embed the video to my blog!! LOL You'll just have to click the link to see it!!

http://www.56.com/u41/v_MjQ3MDMwMzg.html

We were living in Jiaxing, and XiTang was a town nearby (my fav place to visit-- barely touched by foreign tourits)! Xie Ping and Scott Wu took us there one day... They arranged a driver (common thing to do in China) and toured us around the town. We took a bus back to Jiaxing with Ping. Ping emailed me a few months ago with this link, showing us that Scott had put it online for us to see!! I didn't even remember him taking this video til then... Memories! It makes me want to go back.

White Collar Boy by Belle and Sebastian

Love this song!! Their lyrics are so comical! Nice innnocent melodies and unstrumentals, laced with sarcasm and humour!!



You're a white collar boy and you gave into the law
Give in to the pressure the cops gonna getcha
You were a thieving dog at work until they caught your little paw
Your wage won't stretch, to picking up checks
A custodial sentence you narrowly avoided
Community service you had to go along with
You're banging the rocks at the old city docks
Poor boy poor boy poor boy poor boy
Poor boy poor boy poor boy poor boy

You were chained to a girl that would kill you with a look
It's a nice way to die she's so easy on the eye
She said let's get away, but you played it by the book
You're a warden's pet, she's a screaming suffragette
“We ain't in prison, we'll just finish up and go home”
She said, “Not for me, I've got plans for later on”
So she belted the sarge she jumped on a barge
And you fell, you fell, you fell, you fell
You fell, you fell, you fell, you fell

White collar, got dirt in your pants
She got egg in your hair
You got spit in your chin
You're a-

White collar, scared to be boy
Blue Collar, she's opening doors
White collar, boy on the run from the law~

She said “You ain't ugly, you can kiss me if you like”
Go ahead and kiss her, you don't know what you're missing
"Now baby, you're special,
But there's something not quite right.”
She's a Venus in flares and you wanna split hairs!
“Oh I am innocent, and you are a rocket.
Things were ok till you took out the copper”
Now leave me alone, get used to the chains
You're a pain, you're a pain, you're a pain, you're a pain
You're a pain, you're a pain, you're a pain, you're a pain

White collar, got dirt in your pants
She got egg in your hair
You got spit in your chin
You're a-
White collar, got dirt in your pants
She got egg in your hair
You got spit in your chin
You're A

White collar, scared to be bored
Blue Collar, she's opening doors
White Collar, boy on the run from the law
The law, the law, the law
Get on your bike
Get on your horse

Fiona, Kieran & Rosheen Rocking out to THE CURE!

Fiona, Kieran & Rosheen rocking out to The Cure's "Friday I'm in Love"! I knew the day would come!! lol It's not my favourite song of theirs, but it's a great get up and shake it kind of melody! Fiona & Kieran heard me playing it on the computer, and asked that I replay it so they could dance!! Nice!! Proud moment! Kind of like hearing Fiona humming and singing Ani Difranco, while she's playing or walking around!!

Fiona's pretending to play guitar near the end... I actually thought that she was hula dancing once she shuffled in front of the camera!! haha Interestingly enough, it reminded me of the boy who represents Robert Smith in the "Boys Don't Cry" video (by The Cure)!

MY Neighbour?!

First off... neighbour is spelled wrong in the sign...

So, I'm driving along the Yellowhead, and right outside the Yellowhead Motel, is this sign. I look at it, and give it a second read! WTF?! "OMG Jason! Read that sign"
"Where's the camera!? Quick!"
"I'm going to post that on FB and wouldn't it be funny to tag "someone's" name on the word 'neighbour'!!"
I'm evil. Too bad I deleted that 'someone' from my profile ages ago! ;)

Tony Romas Ribs at Home

Mum went out tonight to stamp at Cori's house... while the crew had Tony Romas ribs at home with Grandma and Grandpa!

Jason & Rosheen

Kieran... the demolisher!

The reward! (all cleaned up, too!)

Oooh! I love sugar!

Reptile World

A gecko!

Cayman Aligators!

Fiona and the snake "Brittney" (snicker)... Actually, this snake's mommy was around Jason's neck about 15 yrs ago at this very place!

Kieran and Brittney...

RV-ing... the saga continues!

Getting ready for marshmallow roasting in Drumheller!

The drive back with Kieran & Rosheen. Rosheen spent much of her time sucking on the rim of that Tim Horton's cup! Can you believe there weren't any Tim Hortons (or Starbucks) in Drumheller! ... strange... they had a Walmart!??

Breakfast in the camper!

Fiona stayed with Grandma & Grandpa for another 4 days after we left them in Drumheller. She went to Sylvan Lake before coming back to Edmonton!

Interpretive Trail Pt 2

You can see tons of small cacti plants and different types of sagebrush throughout this landscape.

Rosheen and Dad after a long trek through the trail! She's happy to be free of the backpack carrier- can you tell!? lol

Royal Tyrrell Museum: Interpretive Trail Pt 1

The museum itself... full of wonderful displays and dinosaurs, of course!! Kieran & Fiona loved it!

The badlands as seen from the trail. It's amazing to think how different this part of the world looked millions of years ago!

History Lesson: Drumheller

[This excerpt was copied from the official Drumheller website]

History


Named after an early settler, Samuel Drumheller, the town was incorporated as a village in 1913 and became a city in 1930. Significant growth of the downtown occurred during the two decades following the First World War with the development of the local coal industry. It became known as the "Wonder Town of the West - the Fastest Growing Town in Canada". As oil and gas superseded coal as a source of energy in the 1950s, the local economy shifted its emphasis to agriculture and tourism. The Royal Tyrrell Museum of Paleontology opened in the valley in 1985 and is a major area attraction.

60 - 70 Million Years ago
Located in the heart of the Badlands, Drumheller Valley has an interesting history which spans back some 70 million years to a time when the area was very different looking than it is today. The land was flat and the climate was tropic, providing the needed habitat for plants and animals alike to flourish. These vast plains crossed by many rivers originating in the Rocky Mountains and spilling into the Bear Paw Sea, were the home of what we today know as the Dinosaur.

The arrival of the Ice Age covered the region with thick layers of ice. As glaciers as think as one kilometer melted, lakes and valleys were formed leaving us with what is know today as the Red Deer River Valley.

11,000 years ago
At the end of the ice age this newly formed Valley became home to new inhabitants. First came animals and plants, and then the Native people. Living in both the Valley and prairie that surrounds it, they made for themselves a quiet, serene existence. Buffalo jumps, ceremonial sites and campsites mark their existence in the area. They stayed for many years, with the land and river providing for them.

1800's
White explorers did not discover the area until the 1880's. J.B. Tyrrell, in his search for coal deposits along the river, discovered a skull of a dinosaur. That dinosaur is today known as the Albertasaurus. This marked the beginning of the collection of dinosaur remains that are sought after by museums all over the world, including the Royal Tyrrell Museum located in the Drumheller Valley.

The Calgary-Drumheller railway was opened in 1913 and the coal industry boomed. As the supply of coal diminished and the mines closed around the mid-1900's, a new source of energy was discovered. Oil was found in the area and Drumheller became home to a new industry. Oil companies competing for their share of the oil made Drumheller a busy town once again

Drumheller Valley Today
Drumheller is a town of approximately 8,200 people, with agriculture, energy and tourism as its economic base. With the opening of the Royal Tyrrell Museum in 1985, the area sees thousands of visitors each year, wanting to experience all that the Valley has to offer. With the scenic drives, unique landscape and many attractions, thousands visit Drumheller every year.

The Hoodoos Pt 4

 

 

 

 

The Hoodoos Pt 3

For some reason, I can only post 3 pictures at a time when posting from Picassa... My apologies for the broken up blog postings!